Now I want you to know from the outset that this post is extremely difficult to write.  In my sin, I wish it were not this way.

In the 1996 my first wife died of an illness.  The actual details are irrelevant to the story but suffice it to say that I was extremely angry, bitter and resentful.

Even though I didn’t believe in Him at the time, I called out to God.  WHY?  Here I was with three young boys who I had no idea how to care for.  The woman I loved for years was gone and I couldn’t even stay in the home that we had put together for ourselves.  I was in pain. 

The struggle for the next few years was heavy.  I literally began to hate the concept of God.  I told myself that bad things happen.  That however, did not stop me from asking Him WHY?

Forward for a little while and I found love again with my wonderful second wife.  During the beginnings of our relationship (the first few years) I was introduced to a pastor.  He was a likeable sort.  The kind of man that just brought joy and laughter to those around him.  He was a prayer warrior.  We became friends and even though I would tell him point blank what he was saying was ludicrous, he never stopped sharing and praying for me.  I continued going to that church with my wife and children for quite a while and eventually I believed.  That pastor had gotten through.  Christ had used him to get through.

Now my conversion experience is a whole other blog in itself but suffice it to say there wasn’t any wiggle room.  God knew if I was to believe that from the onset it had to be complete.  What I mean is that there could be no doubt about what had happened.  That being so, on a rainy, late in the day trip, home from work, God gave me my own Damascus road experience.  Interstate xx experience?  Lol.

I began to read the Bible.  I read whenever and wherever I could.  During the process I kept asking WHY?  It wasn’t that I was unhappy with how things had turned out.  On the contrary things were getting better all the time.  Sure we had our ups and downs but always it seemed to get better.  But still I wondered why?  Why did she have to die?  I had learned that nothing happens outside of God’s control.  So I continued to ask in prayer.

One day the answer hit me like a lead weight.  It was so simple that I couldn’t believe it at first.  It actually took me a while to really get it.

Where would you be now if she hadn’t died?

The only answer I could give to that question also answered the WHY?  Not here…  Most likely I wouldn’t have ever believed in the One True God, Jesus.

That realization both empowered and devastated me.  I seriously was angry and overjoyed as well as completely overwhelmed.  I stewed on that for days before telling my pastor.  Now, I tried to be tough.  I cried that day.  The reality that God allowed my wife to die was mind blowing.  I then realized that I had to forgive God.  He had not done any wrong.  That’s not even possible.  I knew that.

Job 34:12 CSB
[12] Indeed, it is true that God does not act wickedly and the Almighty does not pervert justice.

James 1:13 CSB
[13] No one undergoing a trial should say, “I am being tempted by God,” since God is not tempted by evil, and he himself doesn’t tempt anyone.

But I was angry and bitter.  I realized that I had been harboring those feelings with only one place to release them, towards God.  But He had me in His sites from before time.  (The following link will explain that in more detail.)

Forgiven before the need.

Then I realized who my feelings were punishing.  Me!  Forgiveness was my release.

Romans 8:28 CSB
[28] We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

It had to happen that way.  Pain included.  To be honest, I’m good with that.  Forgiveness is just as much for us as it is for others.  Read through Noah Genesis 6 and following.  This was God’s assurance to Noah.

Genesis 9:8-11 CSB
[8] Then God said to Noah and his sons with him, [9] “Understand that I am establishing my covenant with you and your descendants after you, [10] and with every living creature that is with you — birds, livestock, and all wildlife of the earth that are with you — all the animals of the earth that came out of the ark. [11] I establish my covenant with you that never again will every creature be wiped out by floodwaters; there will never again be a flood to destroy the earth.”

Forgiveness sometimes comes through cleansing the obstructions to the goal.  It’s difficult to accept but sometimes bad things have to happen to advance the good.  I’m glad that those decisions are not in man’s hands but instead in the hands of our loving God and Father.

There is one more thing that this taught me that’s important but only related in a minimal sense.  I didn’t get the answer I needed until I was a believer.  Until what I couldn’t see found me.

Truth.  Seeing isn’t believing, believing is seeing.

Love in Christ

Colby